TRANSCRIPT OF LIVE BROADCAST
Aired globally on all radio stations, television channels and websites, 30th February 2020
Hi. I'm Frank. I'm a grey-skinned guy with a bulbous head and stubby legs. I have a big butt and little arms with long, spindly fingers.
Although I contain jellyfish DNA, shark DNA, snake DNA and synthetic genetic material made of microscopic nano-bots, I am essentially human.
Every so-called 'alien-abduction' you have ever heard of was a human-to-human time-travel kidnapping.
I have come to you from the year 3677, to warn you against your own technologies. Until this point we have utilised time travel only to assist you historical humans in your technological advancement, and to watch re-runs of The Simpsons.
But this time I bring you a dire warning. Two, actually. Possibly three.
You will not improve through natural selection. The human species will develop various detrimental mutations and DNA damage from wifi exposure and genetically modified food, not to mention gradual physical adaptations stemming from an increasingly sedentary lifestyle.
Survival of the fittest? What a joke. More like survival of the richest and laziest.
However, I must warn you not meddle with genetic modification. In my time, it has become illegal to reproduce. Because of overpopulation, diminishing resources, and a eugenicist World Leader, babies may only be grown in a laboratory.
In your time, you vaccinate children. In mine, we splice shark DNA into human embryos to make humans immune to all diseases. This has been compulsory for five hundred years.
Due to recombinant alleles and multi-purpose phenotypes, combined with an overestimated understanding of gene sequencing, all humans in my era have rough, grey, shark skin! It's awful, and dries out very quickly. Look at you, with your soft, stretchy epidermal loveliness. I should have that kind of skin. But I don't. Nobody does anymore.
In the year 3677, there is no differentiation in our species. Humans are grown from clone DNA, selected by government protocol. We all look the same, sound the same, and smell the same.
Frankly (because we are all named Frank), it's depressing. We don't even have genders anymore, as the Global Dictatorship didn't want unauthorised breeding.
The real aliens arrived yesterday, in my time. They are carbon-based life forms like us, but they are bigger, stronger and smarter than Homo Sapiens will ever be.
Without technology, humans in my time aren’t capable of much.
We are really-really-smart, in all the wrong ways. We have huge brains for creating technology, memorising game cheats and spouting super-hero facts, but we have no real ability to fend for ourselves.
I took off in this time machine as the aliens were dismantling our power sources. I escaped with only seconds to spare.
If you don't stay strong as a species, you will perish. If you mess with natural selection and modify DNA to make people 'better and equal' we will never survive the alien attack. The real aliens, not future-humans like me.
I have just enough power left in my time machine to return home with an army of Homo Sapiens who are strong enough to move (in real life, not just virtual reality), and who can stand up for longer than 10 minutes at a time.
I need every single one of you to help change the course of known future history.
Who among you will come to the future, and fight for our survival?
Who among you will stay behind, and ensure your species doesn’t evolve into what I am?
Have hominids been battling it out for hundreds of thousands of years, surviving ice ages and migrating thousands of miles on foot, just so you can sit around playing Xbox and eating pizza?
Did your jaw size decrease over many centuries just so you could fill your enlarged skull-cavity with celebrity gossip?
Do you want your descendants to look like me? It's not fun. I can't even go to the toilet without a robot to help me.
Your technology is evolving faster than your bodies can compete with.
If you care about the future, this needs to stop now.
Luxury is your enemy. Necessity is your friend.
Necessity got you to where you are. Luxury got me to where I am. Think about it.
Evolution is our strongest weapon in the intergalactic race for survival. Technology is expendable and destructible.
Your brains and strong bodies are your only true assets. Don't squander these evolutionarily hard-earned gifts for the sake of a microwaved dinner and a desk job.
Who is with me?
End of transmission.
Created collaboratively by Xanthe Turner, Nanci Nott, and Alien Frank. Illustration by Xanthe Turner. If you liked this story, please feel free to share this page.
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